Love of my life

Today (11/05/08) is Mother's Day in Australia. So I just want to say Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there (and mother-to-bes). Come on guys, don't forget to tell your mum that you love her and take her out or something for the day. Shower her with praises, compliments, gifts, you name it - as you would need to do everyday.

Due to this occassion, I would like to introduce the most special person in my life to you. My dearest mommy. I haven't talk about her much in this blog, but I really want you to know what sort of person she is and why she means more than the world to me.

Mom & I - at my graduation day which she said was one of the proudest moments in her life

I know I know, I looked nothing like her. She's tall, has sort of 'dutch' foreign look (as my grandfather's dad had dutch genetics in him - blame my dad's strong chinese genetics on why I don't look like my mom at all!), slender and very calm. She's exactly the opposite of me who's reckless, loud and a lil bit of a daredevil. She's quite a shy person and she's really nice to everyone - again, nothing like me :P

I am very close to my mom - especially since I'm the eldest in the family. My mom, my lil sis and I would spend the night talking to each other in her bedroom about random stuff, laughing at each other, doing silly faces or just watching whatever show that's on the TV while she dozed off to sleep and I will annoy her until she wakes up hehehe. We love the same food, had the same taste in clothes, same size of shoes, tops and pants (not anymore, I think! I'm way fatter than she is).

Of course, like any normal child, despite my closeness with her, there are times I considered her as 'annoying'. The time when she gets naggy, especially. "You are too fat, you HAVE to go on a diet and lose 10 kgs!" - "Why do you have pimples in your face, put some acne cream on!" - "Don't eat too much." - "Save up, don't go shopping all the time!" - "No, you cannot have this." - "You have to set an example for your sister." and what not. Oh, how I loved for her not to be around me at those times. I guess, living far away from your family do have its benefit. You became independent and not depended on your parents anymore. You can do pretty much whatever you want without needing their approval and stuff.

About two years ago, my mom found a lump on her left breast. She refused to get it check despite the countless effort and 'nagging' from me and my sis to get it looked at by a specialist due to reasons like 'I don't want to spend more money on silly stuff like this - I want your sister to get into a good school'. Still, in the midst of her sickness, she thinks of other people. She still managed to tell me not to worry as she would be fine. Thanks to my lil sis, she managed to get my mom to see a doctor - and there it was... the verdict. She was diagnosed with a stadium three breast cancer.

After the diagnoses, my mom went through a painful chemo process. She became thin, her skin was darker, she had bigger eye bags, and of course, the scary hair-loss. She will vomit all the time and then she finally shaved her hair completely. The sad thing is, I wasn't there. I wasn't there with her through the whole process. I was here, in Perth, working. I really wanted to come home but I couldn't afford to do it. It was so hard knowing that she suffered so much and I wasn't there even if I really want to - like how she was there everytime I was sick, nurturing me back to health.

Dad, my lil sis and mom - during her chemo

I actually considered on going back for good to Indonesia to be with her, but she rejected the idea. "Life is so much better for you in Australia. Stay there and make it work. I know you can do it..".

Seeing her sick - hurts me a lot. Made me realize how much I love my mom. She meant more than the world to me, I wouldn't trade her with anyone else or for anything else. I would rather hear her nagging me all the time rather than not hearing her voice at all. She's my role-model, one of the bravest women I've ever known. The one that loved me for who I am not for who I could be. The one who no matter what, will support me. Everything seems so much easier and lighter when I'm with her and she said it all the time... "My greatest joy is to have my two daughters here with me...". She is my greatest joy and it's sad that I have to realize this because she was not well.

I don't know what I would do if she's not here with me anymore. If she's not with me, how can I be me?

She had her left breast taken out and the doctors told her that she was 'clean'. However, recently they found something in her left shoulder... and both of her arms started to ache and hurt. The doctors don't know what it is yet - however she was told that it might be the cancer, spreading. Oh God, please no...

To be honest, at this very minute, I am worried about her. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Oh, how I long to be with her... and held her in my arms, telling her that I will be with her every step of her ways. She needs to fight this for herself... and just because I am selfish, for me. Because I could not exist if she's not with me.

The one thing that I ask from God is this... please let her remember that I love her forever and ever and not let her forget that. Please grant me time, to be with her and to actually make her proud. Please let her know that she's not alone. Please let her know that she means everything to me. Please allow me to repay her love and kindness. I'd do anything to keep her with me as long as I can. So friends, please do pray for her as well... I really need all the prayers that my mom could get, I know that God listens to our prayers...

So, mommy... Happy Mother's Day. I am thanking God for the beautiful mom He has blessed me with. You are beautiful and strong, inside and out. I couldn't ask for a better mom than you... It hurts me seeing you hurt, and although I'm not there in body - I am constantly praying and thinking about you and I would NEVER stop loving you. You are, indeed, the love of my life. Please be well... I don't want to be without you. I wish you were here with me or I was there with you. So many things I want to tell you, so many things I want to achieve for you. Let me live my dreams for you - and I want you there watching me as I live it.

I love you, mom. Always have, always will.

Missing you each and everyday,

your daughter.

PS: You know those times when I told you to not treat me like a child anymore? Guess what... I am still your little girl and there won't be a time that I don't need you by my side.

***

Love of my life