January 29, 2010


Most of people who knows me in real life know for a fact that I spent most of my days in front of my computer. I remembered during my college years I've been dubbed by a few friends as the 'Queen of MSN' since I'm always online 24/7 (well, still until today thanks to a piece of technology called Blackberry even though I don't chat as much anymore).

I really enjoyed browsing through the internet. Mostly browsing through Facebook (don't we all?), Twitter-ing, iTunes store, Apple Store, Deviantart (for cool and unique desktop wallpapers - highly recommended) and random sites which I found interesting. I probably spend a good 4 hours in front of my macbook everyday (apart from office hours of course). 

You see, my 'workstation' at home is a coffee table. It stands probably 40 cm in height, so I used a cushion as a 'chair' and slouch in front of my macbook. This has been going on for YEARS. Everyone knows that this isn't a good idea, especially for your posture. Thanks to my ignorant-self, I finally feel the result of too much slouching. Guess what, I'm still slouching now as I type this entry!
I have been having back pains now and then, and I've always been able to ignore it. Usually the pain stays for a few days, and then it was 'back to normal' (or so I thought). But my back pain took its toll last week, when I've been asked to help with archiving 28 boxes worth of documents in my office. I literally sat on the carpet for about 3 days; compiling, selecting, recording and what-nots; and also lifting up heavy boxes full of documents. All these I did while slouching.

I have never feel that much pain on my lower back before the 28 boxes happened. I felt like I pulled a muscle. My shoulders are very tense, my neck is really tight too. Also, I feel like my feet are dead, due to many hours sitting on the carpet. Not to mention, I feel my bottom slept for 3 whole days.  The fact that I'm a side-sleeper doesn't help also, it actually made the pain worse. So today, I finally went to the chiropractor to get it checked out.

This is my first visit to the chiropractor. My little sister said that the word 'chiropractor' sounded like a dinosaur species (to think of it, it kinda does sound like 'velociraptor'). The doctor was really friendly and attentive. He examined my backbone and then he asked me whether I have ever been to a chiropractor before. I shook my head, and then he let a sigh and said "You've got back pains for years, young lady. You just chose to ignore it, didn't you?". Guilty as charged.

He explained to me on why he came to that conclusion. He poked around my shoulder, my neck and my lower back. And truly enough, every spot he poked feel sore. He asked me whether I want him to help me fix this problem. However he mentioned that this won't work like magic, where you can be fixed by just one visit. I have to do an x-ray for him, and then come back twice a week for a few months to get my back sorted out.

And then he said this "But, I can only help you by teaching you how to fix it. YOU have to be the one who fix it. Basically, your whole posture contributes to your back pain. How you do things, exercise you took, how you stand and sit, how you sleep, in short: you have to change everything on the way you do things." I told him on how I have a coffee table for years as my 'workstation'. He laughed and said "Well, that's it. You have to have a proper workstation. If you keep doing the same things you are doing now, guess what, you'll be having the same results."

As soon as he said that, I remembered a famous quote by Albert Einstein:
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results"
If Thomas Alva Edison didn't try 10000 different ways on creating light bulbs, we might still rely on candles to provide lights for us. As he famously said about all his experiments in creating the light bulbs: I haven't fail. I've just found 10000 ways that won't work. Heck, if all inventors of everything that we conveniently have today, didn't pursue and keep on trying to invent things, we might as well still be living in a cave (on a totally different note, thank you Steve Job for Apple! One of the most wonderful inventions ever created!).

I pondered to myself the whole day after the chiropractor session: have I been doing things the same way over and over again - and still expects the outcome to be different? Sadly, the answer is a big yes. Gosh, I am insane. No wonder I still have this back pain, I have been slouching for years. No wonder I still experience this, I have been doing that forever! Can anyone be more stubborn and crazier than me? I've been living in groundhog day, where every events seemed to repeat itself.

A good friend once told me that our problems in life basically is linked to ONE root. Either it is your past, your grudges to people, your ego, your dreams, your broken relationships, etc. That root will branch out and turn to our problems like: insecurities, revenge,  arrogance, selfishness, hatred, negativity, infidelity, and many more. Just like how my chiropractor told me to fix my back pain with my posture and how I do things, we need to fix our problems by dissecting the root. 

"Do you think you have been doing things the right way?" my chiropractor asked me. I said no and he said "Well, at least you're admitting that you've been wrong. That's a start." I learned today (what people have been trying to tell me all these years) that the first step to recovery is to admit that we have that 'root' - admitting that we have been wrong.

Once we do, we'll (hopefully) be doing things differently. Now, I don't expect myself or you to get things right the first time - but hey, the point is: we're learning. If it takes me 1000 different takes to get it right, I'll do it. There will be a time when I will finally have my 'Eureka!' moments. Life is a perpetual learning process. Most of the time it's about the journey, not the destination. Yada-yada-yada.

Easier said that done? You betcha. To cure this back pain, I have to start taking Yoga and Pilates for proper stretching. I have to buy a proper workstation, with proper chair. I have to go the the chiro twice a week. I have to remember not to slouch ever again (and actually do it). There's always a price to pay. But if those things are what it take to cure my back pain for good, I can't not do it, before the pain worsened.
I know I might seem like talking in circles now. I don't really know how to put this. I know I have to deal with some issues in my life - I haven't been dealing with them quite well these past years. Acted like an insane person because I kept doing the same thing, and expect that the outcome will be magically different. Yeah, keep on wishing like how I wish that we'll have a white Christmas here in Australia: NOT GONNA HAPPEN. 

So yeah, I will do those things to fix my back pain definitely, but I will also do things to fix the mental and spiritual pain. Talk differently, think differently, act differently. Bear with me, friends, as I'm sure I will make mistakes (and probably frustrates you as well). And I probably will need to read my own note to remind myself over and over again that it's okay to have 'trial and error' session in my life. After all, God's grace is sufficient for us - no matter how many times we messed up. Thank God for that, really. 

I hope this makes sense! I seemed to have blabber a lot whenever I got so many things in mind :-) Thanks for being patient, this is one of the things I'm working on (amongst the 1001 other things!)

Stay beautiful, friends!

XoXo, Kezia Anastasia

January 25, 2010

The Beauty In Ugly

Just this year, I’ve been introduced to this TV series called ‘Ugly Betty’. It’s been around for a while (I think it’s up to Season 4 now?) and I have watched it on and off over the telly, but I just really got into it during my recent trip to Indo. Thanks to my baby sister who are totally addicted to this series.

Basically, it told us the life of a girl named Betty Suarez. The latina girl who aspires to be a great writer someday. She scored a job in a prestigious fashion magazine ‘MODE’ as the Assistant to the Editor in Chief, Daniel Meade from Meade Publications. Just one tiny problem: she doesn’t look like what a girl supposed to look like if they are working in such a high-end fashion magazine. Betty endured humiliations from her ‘narcississtic’ colleagues – due to her lack of colour coordination, her you-can’t-miss-it braces, her glasses, her hairstyle, her upbringing in Queens, and of course, her body shape which probably isn’t ideal in the ‘MODE Fashion World’.

Betty proved herself to be a strong-minded, smart, more-than-able young lady and earned respect from her colleagues (who didn’t really want to admit that they admired her) and from her boss. She became one of the key people in MODE, and one of the few people that Daniel Meade can totally trust. And she did all that by still dressing like only Betty Suarez can.

I enjoyed watching TV series like Gossip Girl or Sex And The City, where the girls are slim, gorgeous, with impeccable fashion sense (and unlimited budget), but ‘Ugly Betty’ is different. Betty isn’t ‘pretty’ by most people’s standard. She definitely needs a whole new wardrobe and a haircut. And she most definitely needs to get her braces off asap (been there, done that). In the series she didn’t go through a ‘makeover’ stage ala ‘She’s All That’ (or maybe not yet?) – however, her strong characters shine through and made people to see her beyond her outlook appearance.

I don’t know about you readers, but I can totally relate myself to Betty sometimes.

I have always been a plus size girl my whole life – no matter on how hard I tried to lose weight, I could never be skinny like most Asian girls you know. I’m big boned and thanks to my ‘4-days-a-week-swimming’ during my teens, I have really broad shoulders as well. My skin isn’t fair, I’m not tall, I have big feet and so on and so forth. I think the only thing that I truly like about myself physically is my hair *LOL*.

Anyway – I’ve had a hard time growing up as a lot of people ‘teased’ me about how I look (my weight, especially). I remembered my first boyfriend in Junior High (which I found later that he only dated me because he pitied me) broke up with me because I was, er, fat (again, found out from his friend). My parent pestered me constantly about how I look (sometimes more than 3 times a day). Don’t even get me started on the nicknames that people gave me. It didn’t really help my self-esteem when a member of my big family dated a girl who’s a model and that my auntie stated that ‘I should lose weight because in my age I supposed to look pretty’ in front of the model girl and the boys, who only smiled vaguely in discomfort. I seriously wanted to bury myself in a hole and never come out.

Look, I understand totally from my parents point-of-view that they just wanted to have beautiful daughters that they can ‘parade’ around (come on, everyone knew this). Believe me, I totally get it. Especially in the community I grew up in, most girls wear size 6 and 8 clothes. Sometimes I feel like such a disgrace because I don’t look like them. It hurts especially when even my family members kind of ‘teased’ me and told me that I should look like this girl and that girl. My mom at some point even ‘announced’ to every friends and family members that we met that I’m fat. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate them. I love my family to death. However, these things hurt, like, a lot.

This made me think: what’s the point of having brains if you don’t have beauty? Do people still cherish inner-beauty? What about winning people with your personality? Is this all that matter to people in my community? How shallow are we really?

Let’s set aside the people who are for obvious health reasons need to lose weight. I’m talking more about those girls who have curves. Funnily enough, people in Australia celebrates those women who are slightly bigger than average. They don’t discriminate or make fun of them, which I totally dig. We have clothes here for girls with curves, for heaven’s sake! I’m just a bit sad that my community can’t see that. No wonder some girls are addicted to plastic surgery (hello, Heidi Montag!) and aimed to make themselves look like Barbie dolls. Their community most probably didn’t embrace them for ‘who they are’.

Don’t get me wrong… by all means: lose weight and do make over. But remember this: do it for yourself. Don’t do it to get approval from others. You might lost weight and look great, but are you truly happy with yourself? You might strutted down the street like in a catwalk and donned the newest ‘it’ bag, but is that who you really are? Believe me, I tried – and I have never been so miserable in my whole life.

I admire those people who are able to look past the physical outlook and be truly content with themselves. To name a few famous people: America Ferrera (Betty Suarez herself), Queen Latifah, Jennifer Hudson, and Ricki Lee. They are big, bold and beautiful. Our role models should be those people who really are beautiful inside (and out) and not just for their looks.

I have to admit, sometimes I judged people by their looks as well, thanks to my upbringing. I kinda have this ‘evil’ on commenting on what people wear and whether it suits them or not (silently behind their backs of course) – I think I have an inner Perez Hilton or the GFY ladies in me. But I want to stop doing that. I admire their confidence and not caring about what other people think. Seriously, I salute them – I wish I have much of self-confidence in me. We have to love ourselves more, don’t you think? (not in a narcissistic way of course).

I promised myself this year that I will stop trying to live up to the world’s standard of being ‘beautiful’. After all, I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God – God thinks I’m perfect, so I should adopt that way of thinking as well and be content. If I’m losing weight – I want to do it for myself. Not for my parents, my aunties, my other family member, not to prove that I can be as beautiful as that model girl, and to make sure that I am truly truly happy. I want to be Betty Suarez, whose personality shine beyond what other people think of how she looks. To be free of that bondage of worldly possessions and outlook is my goal for 2010~!

Let me leave you with this video clip of Jason Mraz’s song ‘The Beauty in Ugly’. It’s one of the soundtracks for ‘Ugly Betty’ – I think we all should really listen to the words and apply it to ourselves, and make all the fashion statements just by dressing up our minds. Have you heard - positive thinking is so hot right now :-)

The Beauty in Ugly - Jason Mraz

She's so big hearted,
But not so remarkable
Just an ordinary humble girl
Expecting nothing as we're made to think
It's a pretty person's world

But you are beautiful and you better go show it
Go look again, you gotta be true to your own
If you really wanna go to the top
Do you really wanna win?
Don't believe in living normal, just to satisfy demand

Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart
You should own your name and stand up tall
And get real and see the beauty in ugly

Well you are fresh, you're face is fabulous
Don't forget you're one of a kind
When nobody is checking the deeds you've done
And nobody is hearing your cries
You make all of the fashion statements
Just by dressing up your mind

Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart
You should own your name and stand up tall
And get real and see the beauty in ugly
And see the beauty in ulgy

Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart and oh
You should own your name and stand up tall
And get real and see the beauty in ugly
See the beauty in a ugly

Keep being beautiful, my friends :-)

XoXo, Kezia Anastasia


January 18, 2010

My New Groove

Hello, you!

Welcome to my humble little blog! I'm so excited to finally blog again. There are so many things that I want to share with you, I don't know where to start!

I have been blogging for about five years now, but the past two years have been a dry spell in my blogging-life. You can say that I kinda lost the will to write. I used to be able to express myself in writing, but that didn't happen this past couple of years. I seriously didn't know what happened! Maybe life got a little too complicated, and I felt confused about it, so I stopped doing the things that used to make me feel better.

I tried to find excuses, like, having no time to write, too busy with life, too many responsibilities, too tired - but I know those are just excuses - not reasons (I just realized recently that they're different haha) but now stop with the excuses! People have been asking me why did I abandon my blog and I couldn't answer them. I guess with the new year just started, I turned a new leaf and wanted to do things that I love (like writing and stuff) to help me remember on what my passion really is and hopefully, finding out the true purpose of my life.

Well, that's all I can think of right now. Having a little bit of a writer's block >_< Hopefully this won't happen often!

Thank you again for visiting and I really hope you enjoy my writings :-) please come back often for new posts!

XoXo, Kezia Anastasia