A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

Do you still remember that moment when your age is less than that two digit binary code number (1 and 0 – the geeks will get me on this *LOL*) and you can’t wait to be an adult? I do.

I still remember how I used to dress up in my mom’s dresses, putting on her lipstick (only I pronounced it lisptick hehe), spritzing her perfume, drained myself with her necklaces, trying on her high heels and what not. I also still remember that one time when my mom didn’t let me borrow her lipstick, I coloured my lips with… red marker. I was scolded real bad :-P

My mom used to tell me stories on how I would cried and threw tantrums (notice the plural? Uh-huh) at clothing stores just because I wanted that fairy-princess dresses. True enough, she didn’t buy it for me. Back then, I knew I will be a fairy princess fashion designer so I can make all the dresses I wanted.

Then come the stage of japanese mangas. The first ever manga that I bought was Mari-Chan – it told the story of a girl who’s pursuing her dreams of becoming a ballerina. I wanted to be that girl. Because of my endless nagging and crying and screaming seeing her daughter’s potential, my mom finally enrolled me to a ballet class, which I absolutely loved. I was there for about three years I think, but then she pulled me out because it was getting too expensive. Funnily enough, when Mari-Chan manga series ended, so did my ‘dream’ of becoming a ballerina.

And then I started drawing japanese mangas. I love to copy drawings from my favorite mangas back then, but then started to develop my very own manga (which I didn’t finish due to boredom). Me and my little sister used to spend so many books just for drawing. It drove our teachers mad of course, because we didn’t really pay attention in class except if it was art class.

When I was in freshman year of high-school, I still do a little bit of japanese manga drawings. My favorite class was art class, and I usually got a pretty high mark in it. Come to Year 11, the time when we needed to choose which majors we are going to be in (be it Art, Physics or Economics). Based on the EQ and Talent Quiz the school held, my best major would be in Art & Design. I wanted to be an artist/designer/architect. But due to my parents being typical Indo-Chinese parents, they wanted me to do Economics instead. I didn’t really argue with them, so I just voluntarily agreed – and that goes on until college and graduation. Today, I’m just one of those corporate workers trying to climb the ‘corporate ladder’.

Okay, I’m going off the tangents here. Back to it!

Lately, there are so many of my friends doing their own small business (and not so small business). Pursuing their dreams slowly but sure. I can’t help to think on what my dreams are. There were so many of it. Fashion designer, Artist, Illustrator, Writer (thanks to Carrie Bradshaw), Editor-in-Chief for a prestigious fashion magazine (thanks to Devil Wears Prada) and the most recent: an event organizer of some sort. But, which one, really? I’m a natural born dreamer, and I tend to get a little carried away in my “imagination”.

I admire those people who got a clear vision on who they want to be and what they will be doing when they grow up. They will do practically anything (legal) to get their dreams – and usually they have already learn the basics on the field they’re pursuing. To be honest, I can’t believe I’m doing 9-5 desk work. I always pictured myself as someone who just couldn’t be chained to a desk. I always imagined myself doing something creative and exciting. Something in Art & Design.

When I told my mom I wanted to take Art & Design major in college, she told me “you don’t need to learn it when you got the talent. Just go and learn something in a business major so you can be a successful businesswoman…” It doesn’t work that way unfortunately. You still kinda need your ‘talents’ to be backed up by official certificates and qualifications.

I don’t know what got to me lately; I was so unsure of myself and of what I wanted to do. Some people called it the ‘quarter-life-crisis’. It felt like I hit my second puberty when self-identity crisis is all that was happening in your life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful and feel absolutely blessed with my job at the moment and the learning opportunities it gave me; but I just wanted something… more. I really don’t want to sound ungrateful and snobbish. Forgive me if I seem to sound like one.

But again, I don’t know what I wanted. It feels like I’ve been walking into this long neverending tunnel, and I can’t barely see the light at the end of it. I tested all the water in various pools, but I didn’t dive into one. How can I be so indecisive? What is my ultimate dream? Did I not fight for it hard enough? How did I lose sight of that little girl who was so sure on what she wanted to do in life?

I remembered the parable about talents that Jesus told in Matthew 25: 14-30; how the master gave his three servants talents, each according to their ability, before the master went on his journey. When the master came back, he was pleased with the two servants that multiplied the talents given to them. However, he was furious with that one servant who just buried his portion of the talents because he was scared. The master depicted him as an evil and lazy servant. The master took the one talent he gave to that servant, and gave it to the other faithful servant.

Sometimes I can’t help but to feel like that evil and lazy servant. Maybe because I didn’t pursue it hard enough, my dreams have yet to be granted; or worse, taken away from him and given to someone else. I haven’t been delighting myself in the Lord enough (Psalm 37:4) that’s why the desires of my heart have been ‘delayed’. What I need to do is pretty clear, isn’t it? There are so many passages in the bible that discuss this area – I should’ve get the hint (okay, I ignored the hints).

Maybe this entry sounded selfish – because I wanted things for myself not for others. I’m just trying to be really honest with how I feel right now. Trying to be an open book for a change. I don’t want to only write about my triumphs and victories but I really do want to write about my struggles and weakness. No, I’m not throwing a pity party for myself – I am over that part of my life. No one shows up to my pity party hehehe even though I threw one hell of a party.

I know that God’s plan for me is a plan to prosper me. I do think that He knows I’m not ready as I haven’t been faithful in small things. How can I be trusted with bigger things when I haven’t been faithful in small ones? My time has yet to come. The best has yet to come. But I believe and I have faith that it will come. This too shall pass. These experiences are all learning curves for me; I learned it the hard way.

One thing for sure though: I will never stop dreaming. And try to actually make it come true this time. It will take time for me to figure it out, but I’ll get there. I just need you to believe in me and I promise you, I’ll get there. And I will look back to this day and say “gosh, the flight has been bumpy but my God always promised a safe landing”.

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep

In dreams you lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday

Your rainbow will come smiling thru

No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing

The dream that you wish will come true

(A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes - Ost Disney's Cinderella)

Stay beautiful, friends

PS: Just want to say congratulations to a friend who just launched her label for deeply fabulous baby girl fashion "Mischka Aoki" and to another friend who finally took her first step on her pursuit of Make Up Artistry dream :-) you know who you are! I am extremely proud of you both and I will support you guys 150% - wait for my turn yah, who knows we can turn this to a beautiful partnership mwahahahaha.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

Insanity

Most of people who knows me in real life know for a fact that I spent most of my days in front of my computer. I remembered during my college years I've been dubbed by a few friends as the 'Queen of MSN' since I'm always online 24/7 (well, still until today thanks to a piece of technology called Blackberry even though I don't chat as much anymore).

I really enjoyed browsing through the internet. Mostly browsing through Facebook (don't we all?), Twitter-ing, iTunes store, Apple Store, Deviantart (for cool and unique desktop wallpapers - highly recommended) and random sites which I found interesting. I probably spend a good 4 hours in front of my macbook everyday (apart from office hours of course). 

You see, my 'workstation' at home is a coffee table. It stands probably 40 cm in height, so I used a cushion as a 'chair' and slouch in front of my macbook. This has been going on for YEARS. Everyone knows that this isn't a good idea, especially for your posture. Thanks to my ignorant-self, I finally feel the result of too much slouching. Guess what, I'm still slouching now as I type this entry!
I have been having back pains now and then, and I've always been able to ignore it. Usually the pain stays for a few days, and then it was 'back to normal' (or so I thought). But my back pain took its toll last week, when I've been asked to help with archiving 28 boxes worth of documents in my office. I literally sat on the carpet for about 3 days; compiling, selecting, recording and what-nots; and also lifting up heavy boxes full of documents. All these I did while slouching.

I have never feel that much pain on my lower back before the 28 boxes happened. I felt like I pulled a muscle. My shoulders are very tense, my neck is really tight too. Also, I feel like my feet are dead, due to many hours sitting on the carpet. Not to mention, I feel my bottom slept for 3 whole days.  The fact that I'm a side-sleeper doesn't help also, it actually made the pain worse. So today, I finally went to the chiropractor to get it checked out.

This is my first visit to the chiropractor. My little sister said that the word 'chiropractor' sounded like a dinosaur species (to think of it, it kinda does sound like 'velociraptor'). The doctor was really friendly and attentive. He examined my backbone and then he asked me whether I have ever been to a chiropractor before. I shook my head, and then he let a sigh and said "You've got back pains for years, young lady. You just chose to ignore it, didn't you?". Guilty as charged.

He explained to me on why he came to that conclusion. He poked around my shoulder, my neck and my lower back. And truly enough, every spot he poked feel sore. He asked me whether I want him to help me fix this problem. However he mentioned that this won't work like magic, where you can be fixed by just one visit. I have to do an x-ray for him, and then come back twice a week for a few months to get my back sorted out.

And then he said this "But, I can only help you by teaching you how to fix it. YOU have to be the one who fix it. Basically, your whole posture contributes to your back pain. How you do things, exercise you took, how you stand and sit, how you sleep, in short: you have to change everything on the way you do things." I told him on how I have a coffee table for years as my 'workstation'. He laughed and said "Well, that's it. You have to have a proper workstation. If you keep doing the same things you are doing now, guess what, you'll be having the same results."

As soon as he said that, I remembered a famous quote by Albert Einstein:

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results"

If Thomas Alva Edison didn't try 10000 different ways on creating light bulbs, we might still rely on candles to provide lights for us. As he famously said about all his experiments in creating the light bulbs: I haven't fail. I've just found 10000 ways that won't work. Heck, if all inventors of everything that we conveniently have today, didn't pursue and keep on trying to invent things, we might as well still be living in a cave (on a totally different note, thank you Steve Job for Apple! One of the most wonderful inventions ever created!).

I pondered to myself the whole day after the chiropractor session: have I been doing things the same way over and over again - and still expects the outcome to be different? Sadly, the answer is a big yes. Gosh, I am insane. No wonder I still have this back pain, I have been slouching for years. No wonder I still experience this, I have been doing that forever! Can anyone be more stubborn and crazier than me? I've been living in groundhog day, where every events seemed to repeat itself.

A good friend once told me that our problems in life basically is linked to ONE root. Either it is your past, your grudges to people, your ego, your dreams, your broken relationships, etc. That root will branch out and turn to our problems like: insecurities, revenge,  arrogance, selfishness, hatred, negativity, infidelity, and many more. Just like how my chiropractor told me to fix my back pain with my posture and how I do things, we need to fix our problems by dissecting the root. 

"Do you think you have been doing things the right way?" my chiropractor asked me. I said no and he said "Well, at least you're admitting that you've been wrong. That's a start." I learned today (what people have been trying to tell me all these years) that the first step to recovery is to admit that we have that 'root' - admitting that we have been wrong.

Once we do, we'll (hopefully) be doing things differently. Now, I don't expect myself or you to get things right the first time - but hey, the point is: we're learning. If it takes me 1000 different takes to get it right, I'll do it. There will be a time when I will finally have my 'Eureka!' moments. Life is a perpetual learning process. Most of the time it's about the journey, not the destination. Yada-yada-yada.

Easier said that done? You betcha. To cure this back pain, I have to start taking Yoga and Pilates for proper stretching. I have to buy a proper workstation, with proper chair. I have to go the the chiro twice a week. I have to remember not to slouch ever again (and actually do it). There's always a price to pay. But if those things are what it take to cure my back pain for good, I can't not do it, before the pain worsened.
I know I might seem like talking in circles now. I don't really know how to put this. I know I have to deal with some issues in my life - I haven't been dealing with them quite well these past years. Acted like an insane person because I kept doing the same thing, and expect that the outcome will be magically different. Yeah, keep on wishing like how I wish that we'll have a white Christmas here in Australia: NOT GONNA HAPPEN. 

So yeah, I will do those things to fix my back pain definitely, but I will also do things to fix the mental and spiritual pain. Talk differently, think differently, act differently. Bear with me, friends, as I'm sure I will make mistakes (and probably frustrates you as well). And I probably will need to read my own note to remind myself over and over again that it's okay to have 'trial and error' session in my life. After all, God's grace is sufficient for us - no matter how many times we messed up. Thank God for that, really. 

I hope this makes sense! I seemed to have blabber a lot whenever I got so many things in mind :-) Thanks for being patient, this is one of the things I'm working on (amongst the 1001 other things!)

Stay beautiful, friends!

Insanity