Insomnia

Mood: lost?
Listening to: One Republic - Stop & Stare

Have you ever had one of those sleepless nights when your mind just keep wandering off and your brain - magically - couldn't stop thinking and by the time you look at the clock it's time to wake up and get ready for work?

I just had one of those episodes last night. I slept around 1 am, and to my dismay, woke up at 4:30 am - and just couldn't go back to sleep. I stayed in bed the whole time, tried to close my eyes, turning around here and there, fixed my pillow, counted sheeps, and what not - but still, I was awake. This could only mean : I am stressing, worrying and freaking out about things. Overthinker, that's what I am.

I have been dealing with this certain issue most of my life. It's weird because sometimes we don't seem to learn from our own mistakes. Even though I've tried SO HARD to avoid it, to fix it, to plan ahead, cut back on things and stuff - the issue seems not to have left you. It brings you down, it haunts you in moments that you've least expected it to happen and certainly, you don't need that to happen. You've got enough in your plate - and usually, your default reaction will be "Oh, GREAT! Now this happen? Could it be any worse?!!"

To be honest, I'm not happy with myself at the moment. I know I shouldn't - but I can't help it. It frustrates me that I seem to have not yet achieve anything major in my life - academically, financially, spiritually, mentally - pretty pathetic for someone my age. I can't really complain about it though since most of what I'm facing right now were results from careless decision making. So yea, have to live with the consequences, I guess. That's seems fair. But I've had enough! I'm trying to move forward but it feels like I'm going nowhere.

They say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" - but sometimes you think enough is enough. It's like we want the quick fix, the shortcut to make it all go away. Oh, how I wished I could talk to a butterfly and ask how did it feel being trapped in the cocoon for so long before the catepillar morphed into a butterfly? how painful was the process of the ugly duckling growing up into a beautiful swan? I don't think I will ever be a swan or a butterfly. It feels like I'm stuck in a middle of nowhere, not knowing where to go or what's the next step to take. Selfishly, I want to be happy with my life, not just feel content about it.

Or maybe, I am too proud to admit that I couldn't do it by myself? I thought I've learned that God's powers are way greater than human? I've thought that I have faith in Him? My plate's full and I refused to give it away to God? He did say "cast all your anxieties on Me and I will give you peace". I thought I was doing that already? Apparently not.

Was I just blabbering and making no sense at all?

Haha. Blame my lack of sleep last night. Oh well, I'll just enjoy my dark chocolate now - my aphrodisiac and hopefully I feel better by the end of the day. It's tough being an overthinker :P

Happy Thursday everyone, tomorrow's Friday. YAAAAAAAAY :)

xoxo

Insomnia