A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

Do you still remember that moment when your age is less than that two digit binary code number (1 and 0 – the geeks will get me on this *LOL*) and you can’t wait to be an adult? I do.

I still remember how I used to dress up in my mom’s dresses, putting on her lipstick (only I pronounced it lisptick hehe), spritzing her perfume, drained myself with her necklaces, trying on her high heels and what not. I also still remember that one time when my mom didn’t let me borrow her lipstick, I coloured my lips with… red marker. I was scolded real bad :-P

My mom used to tell me stories on how I would cried and threw tantrums (notice the plural? Uh-huh) at clothing stores just because I wanted that fairy-princess dresses. True enough, she didn’t buy it for me. Back then, I knew I will be a fairy princess fashion designer so I can make all the dresses I wanted.

Then come the stage of japanese mangas. The first ever manga that I bought was Mari-Chan – it told the story of a girl who’s pursuing her dreams of becoming a ballerina. I wanted to be that girl. Because of my endless nagging and crying and screaming seeing her daughter’s potential, my mom finally enrolled me to a ballet class, which I absolutely loved. I was there for about three years I think, but then she pulled me out because it was getting too expensive. Funnily enough, when Mari-Chan manga series ended, so did my ‘dream’ of becoming a ballerina.

And then I started drawing japanese mangas. I love to copy drawings from my favorite mangas back then, but then started to develop my very own manga (which I didn’t finish due to boredom). Me and my little sister used to spend so many books just for drawing. It drove our teachers mad of course, because we didn’t really pay attention in class except if it was art class.

When I was in freshman year of high-school, I still do a little bit of japanese manga drawings. My favorite class was art class, and I usually got a pretty high mark in it. Come to Year 11, the time when we needed to choose which majors we are going to be in (be it Art, Physics or Economics). Based on the EQ and Talent Quiz the school held, my best major would be in Art & Design. I wanted to be an artist/designer/architect. But due to my parents being typical Indo-Chinese parents, they wanted me to do Economics instead. I didn’t really argue with them, so I just voluntarily agreed – and that goes on until college and graduation. Today, I’m just one of those corporate workers trying to climb the ‘corporate ladder’.

Okay, I’m going off the tangents here. Back to it!

Lately, there are so many of my friends doing their own small business (and not so small business). Pursuing their dreams slowly but sure. I can’t help to think on what my dreams are. There were so many of it. Fashion designer, Artist, Illustrator, Writer (thanks to Carrie Bradshaw), Editor-in-Chief for a prestigious fashion magazine (thanks to Devil Wears Prada) and the most recent: an event organizer of some sort. But, which one, really? I’m a natural born dreamer, and I tend to get a little carried away in my “imagination”.

I admire those people who got a clear vision on who they want to be and what they will be doing when they grow up. They will do practically anything (legal) to get their dreams – and usually they have already learn the basics on the field they’re pursuing. To be honest, I can’t believe I’m doing 9-5 desk work. I always pictured myself as someone who just couldn’t be chained to a desk. I always imagined myself doing something creative and exciting. Something in Art & Design.

When I told my mom I wanted to take Art & Design major in college, she told me “you don’t need to learn it when you got the talent. Just go and learn something in a business major so you can be a successful businesswoman…” It doesn’t work that way unfortunately. You still kinda need your ‘talents’ to be backed up by official certificates and qualifications.

I don’t know what got to me lately; I was so unsure of myself and of what I wanted to do. Some people called it the ‘quarter-life-crisis’. It felt like I hit my second puberty when self-identity crisis is all that was happening in your life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful and feel absolutely blessed with my job at the moment and the learning opportunities it gave me; but I just wanted something… more. I really don’t want to sound ungrateful and snobbish. Forgive me if I seem to sound like one.

But again, I don’t know what I wanted. It feels like I’ve been walking into this long neverending tunnel, and I can’t barely see the light at the end of it. I tested all the water in various pools, but I didn’t dive into one. How can I be so indecisive? What is my ultimate dream? Did I not fight for it hard enough? How did I lose sight of that little girl who was so sure on what she wanted to do in life?

I remembered the parable about talents that Jesus told in Matthew 25: 14-30; how the master gave his three servants talents, each according to their ability, before the master went on his journey. When the master came back, he was pleased with the two servants that multiplied the talents given to them. However, he was furious with that one servant who just buried his portion of the talents because he was scared. The master depicted him as an evil and lazy servant. The master took the one talent he gave to that servant, and gave it to the other faithful servant.

Sometimes I can’t help but to feel like that evil and lazy servant. Maybe because I didn’t pursue it hard enough, my dreams have yet to be granted; or worse, taken away from him and given to someone else. I haven’t been delighting myself in the Lord enough (Psalm 37:4) that’s why the desires of my heart have been ‘delayed’. What I need to do is pretty clear, isn’t it? There are so many passages in the bible that discuss this area – I should’ve get the hint (okay, I ignored the hints).

Maybe this entry sounded selfish – because I wanted things for myself not for others. I’m just trying to be really honest with how I feel right now. Trying to be an open book for a change. I don’t want to only write about my triumphs and victories but I really do want to write about my struggles and weakness. No, I’m not throwing a pity party for myself – I am over that part of my life. No one shows up to my pity party hehehe even though I threw one hell of a party.

I know that God’s plan for me is a plan to prosper me. I do think that He knows I’m not ready as I haven’t been faithful in small things. How can I be trusted with bigger things when I haven’t been faithful in small ones? My time has yet to come. The best has yet to come. But I believe and I have faith that it will come. This too shall pass. These experiences are all learning curves for me; I learned it the hard way.

One thing for sure though: I will never stop dreaming. And try to actually make it come true this time. It will take time for me to figure it out, but I’ll get there. I just need you to believe in me and I promise you, I’ll get there. And I will look back to this day and say “gosh, the flight has been bumpy but my God always promised a safe landing”.

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep

In dreams you lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday

Your rainbow will come smiling thru

No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing

The dream that you wish will come true

(A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes - Ost Disney's Cinderella)

Stay beautiful, friends

PS: Just want to say congratulations to a friend who just launched her label for deeply fabulous baby girl fashion "Mischka Aoki" and to another friend who finally took her first step on her pursuit of Make Up Artistry dream :-) you know who you are! I am extremely proud of you both and I will support you guys 150% - wait for my turn yah, who knows we can turn this to a beautiful partnership mwahahahaha.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes